10th October 2014.

Dear you,

Happy 18th birthday. I have a lot in my mind right now, so I'll try to sort them out and word my thoughts properly. Again I would like to wish you a happy 18th birthday. It must feel great to be 18, a step closer into adulthood. You would probably be in college by now, huh? I bet you'd be one of the best students in college. I know you'd do well because you did before, and I believe in you.

It was raining today. I was walking back home when it rained and I thought of you. Then the song "Betting Everything" by Royal Pirates played by chance and again, I thought of you. I got teary eyed, to be honest. The song really reminds me of us. Wanna know why?

My life was black and white, but you came and coloured in my everything.
And I don't wanna be blind, but without you there's nothing I can see.

It reminded me of what I wrote a year ago about us. I wrote that my life was like a blank canvas and you came in, colouring it in different colours, from vibrant ones to dark ones. It's true. You know, I always get teary eyed when I hear or sing this particular part because it makes me realise how much I miss you.

I arrived home and suddenly tears rolled down my cheeks and I couldn't do anything about it. It's your birthday and I can't wish you and hear you saying thanks. It's your birthday and you can't celebrate it with your sister who's your best friend ever in the whole wide world. I cried because I imagined how your sister would have felt to celebrate her birthday without her twin brother for the past 2 years.

I found a way to contact your sister, by the way, but I can't bring myself to. I'm afraid if she would ignore me, I'm afraid if I'll remind her of what it was back then which will make her sad. I don't want to make your favourite person sad. And honestly I'm afraid if I'll cry when I talk to her because she would probably remind me of you. You.

I listened to a song that I stumbled upon when I first heard of the news of you, When The Last Teardrop Falls. I remember my tears falling the moment I heard the lyrics of it;

It's so hard to lose the one you love
To finally have to say goodbye
You try to be strong but the pain keeps holding on
And all that you can do is cry

Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on
When the  fairy tale that you once knew is gone

When the last teardrop falls
I'll still be holding on to all our memories
And all of what used to be
When the last teardrop falls
I will stand tall and know that you're here with me in my heart
When the last teardrop falls

This is just part of the lyrics. The song perfectly expressed my feelings, it's funny how much of a coincidence it is. I am not sure when my last teardrop will fall though.

I remember how you used to say that if I cry, it means that I hate you. How could I ever hate you, the person who showed me that you don't have to be overly lovey-dovey towards the person you like to make them know how you feel towards them. You were a great friend and brother. I still remember your advices that you gave me.

Thank you.
It's the thing that I had no chance to properly say to you.
Thank you for talking to me.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for not ignoring me when you knew that I liked you.
Thank you for giving me a chance.
Thank you for liking me back.
Thank you for being so nice to me.
Thank you for being like a brother to me.
Thank you for this wonderful life lesson.
Thank you for the colours on my life canvas which used to be blank.
Thank you for the memories.
Thank you for your words.
Thank you for your comfort.
Thank you for making me stop crying when I couldn't.
Thank you for being the reason for me to smile.
Thank you for everything.

And I know what you would say now; that I should thank Allah for intersecting our paths, even for a short period of time. Because if he didn't decide to, we wouldn't get that far and all of this wouldn't happen.

I have so many things to tell you. So many.

Hey, guess what?

I'm crying. A lot. As I'm typing this, my cheeks are wet with tears and I'm sobbing like the fool I am. It's not that I'm denying the fate, it's because I'm feeling so many things right now, it's overwhelming.

I'm happy when I think about our funny, sweet and awkward conversations. I regret for being too emotional; I should have considered your feelings more than mine. I am thankful for everything you did. I am glad that we met. But I can never brush of the sadness when reality hits me in the face; you're not here anymore.

People say that pain goes away as time passes. I guess 3 years is not enough? I honestly think that I would never forget you though. I might forget the little details as I grow older, but I will never forget the person who made me realise many things in life for the first time.

I think I can keep writing this for days and days if I was to write all of my thoughts for the past year.

Oh. 14th October is soon. 4 more days. Another memorable day for me. I hope it was for you too. I really hope so. Because it really is a special day for me, especially the me 3 years ago. I went through an old notebook of mine and saw a page where I doodled the countdown to that day. I was so excited and nervous because I didn't know what you would say. Things could get better, or worse. Thankfully it went well; with tears.

I had cake with my best friend today. We went out for lunch and I told her that it's a special day, she remembered after a while and said that we should get cake, because we did it before with another person's birthday- it was a singer but still. I ate a slice of blueberry mousse cake and it was delightful. I wish you were there too.

Sometimes I think that my friends don't understand how I feel. They keep saying that I should accept the fate. I never denied it. I accepted the fact that you're no longer here but the pain lingers. It's out of my control. You know, I stopped crying about you for a long time, I only started again recently. I guess I start to think more as I grow older. I wished that you could get to know how that feels too.

I never knew what your dream was though. I never got around to ask, and it's too late to do so right now.

You said that you didn't believe in true love anymore because of your ex girlfriend who dumped you in a harsh way. I don't know if I made a difference. I don't know if I made you happy when we were friends. I don't know if I only made you suffer. I don't know if I added another burden along with your sickness. I don't know.

And I never will.

It has been almost an hour since I started writing this and I'm wondering if I should keep going or not. I still have things to tell you.

Yes, I am delusional enough to imagine that you're reading this right now. I am imagining as if I'm writing a letter to you, someone who I have not met for 3 years.

So many things happened to me. I wonder if you're doing fine over there. Allah called you over early for a reason. He loves you more. I can see why though. You were a really great person from what I could judge. I'm nothing compared to you.

If I was given a chance to say something to you, just one thing; I would take too long to choose one. Because I have too many, as you can see.

I am sorry I broke my promise to not cry. I swear I don't hate you. I never did, I am not hating you and I will never hate you. I have no reason to.

On a slightly positive note, I will try my best in the upcoming exam and I will live my life to the fullest. I will go to university and get a job. I might probably get married when time comes and build a family. I will live my life, with the thought of you who only had 15 years. I am thankful for every breath I take, every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month and every year that passes. I know I am not a perfect person and I stray from the path every now and then, but I will try.

I think I should finish it right here. I might write "to you" again soon.

Again, happy 18th birthday. May you rest in peace and may you be in Allah's embrace and kindness.

Sincerely,

Me.