8th April 2015.

Dear you,

It's been a while.

Time really waits for no one, don't you think? It's already 2015. I just turned 18 last month; you'll turn 19 in a few months-- if you were still here.

People always say that we would probably forget everything as time goes by because our hearts and minds will get occupied with new things, thus we forget about the old memories in order to make space for new ones. I wouldn't fully disagree with that statement but then again, there are some things that we just couldn't simply forget. Well, I'm not sure with other people, but in my case, I know that it's true.

The perfect example would be..... you.

It has been almost four years, yet I still can't forget you. I still remember the day we first talked to each other, and I still remember the day we last talked.

Memories are one of the things that are always taken for granted by humans; no matter how old they are. Yet, memories are one of the things that we should cherish and treasure in life because you never know when your last memory with a certain person will be. Us, humans, take one of the most precious things in life for granted and yet some of us don't even realise the fact.

If anyone asks me what disease or sickness that I would hate to suffer from, my answer would definitely be Alzheimer. Why? Well, because people who suffer from it will gradually forget about things, about people; even their loved ones.

I personally think that forgetting really, really hurts. The thought of forgetting the people that I love and the moments that I cherish just hits me with a pang of excruciating pain. Just think, it wouldn't just hurt myself that I won't be able to remember-- at the same time, the people who are being forgotten would get hurt as well.

Sometimes this thought comes to my mind; if I was the one who had to go first, would you still remember me like how I'm remembering you right now?

Some people would think that it's stupid and pitiful of me to keep on writing about you-- to keep on remembering you-- to keep on loving you. But I don't think so.

Because you are one of the best people I have ever met in my entire life. You made me realise that someone is actually capable of truly liking an individual for their heart and personality. You made me realise that I should cherish the people that I love and make them happy because I will never know when they will leave the world-- and me.

I know you would be mad if you were here and if you knew this; I still hate myself. I hate myself for bringing myself down. I hate myself for not being able to change for good. I hate myself for being so weak. I still have those days where I'll just break down in my room and cry silently; same as how I was four years ago. Some things have changed in me, but some stayed the same. Though those things that stayed the same are the ones that I wished did change.

You know, not long ago, I thought I finally found someone like you after all these years. I thought that finally I would feel happy. I began to hope again. I tried my best, I took my chances. I didn't want to regret it later so I gathered all of my courage and tried and tried again. I lowered my ego because I don't want to lose anything because of it. I tried my best, I really did.

And I got hurt in the end. I guess he wasn't really like you then.

Maybe.... it's just not the right time? I know deep in my heart that someone who's made for me is waiting in the future. I just have to wait and when the time is right, it will happen.

I really do wonder if this memory of you would still remain in my heart even in ten years' time.

I miss you. I hope you're doing fine where you are right now. Rest in peace, friend.

Time.

What is time? The numbers we see on the clock? The digits we see on the calendar? Or is it the past, present and future?

We know what has happened in our past. We know what is happening right now, but do we know what will happen in our future? Do we know what will happen to us?

Not all of us do.

But he did.

It was January. 13th January, 2:40 p.m to be exact. This was the time when Eric got to know that he had eleven months left. He swallowed the fact with a heavy heart. Nothing can be done now because if there was, they would have told him and he would have agreed to it; surgeries, therapies, long-term medications, anything. But no. Eleven months was all the time he had left.

Eleven became his least favourite word since that day.

4:00 p.m and the young man arrived home. The ride on the subway was quiet. Too quiet. Eric hated silence because it made him remember and recall everything. As the words that spilled from the doctor's lips replayed over and over again like a broken record, his own lips quivered and his eyes turned into a pair of glasses. He was so close to breaking down into tears when the bell of the train indicating that it had arrived at its stop rang.

Eric took a long tour on the way back home. He was walking along the sidewalk when he saw two children playing hopscotch; bright smiles on their faces as they hop around without worries.

A small yet sad smile appeared on his face. He wished that he could go back to those days when what hurts the most was a knee scratch and nothing else. The thought was shrugged off and the young man continued his walk, lazily shuffling his feet. Half of him wanted to get home and the other half was afraid of being alone in the closed space.

4:20 p.m and Eric found himself on his bed, buried under the blanket. The pillow which he held close to his chest moved up and down slowly as he tried to breathe in the most calm way he could. He had been laying in bed with nothing specific on his mind for the last hour.

Why? Because there was too much to think of at the moment, he couldn't pick out his own thoughts as they race around his mind. How was he supposed to break the news to his family? His friends? This was definitely not something that he could just pass as a mere conversation filler. He was dying and it scared him as every second passed. But deep inside his heart, Eric knew that he needs to accept the fact, and so does his friends and family.

With a soft sigh, he picked up his phone and stared at the screen momentarily before he started typing out a text message.

A text message. Just one.

To: Mom, Dad, Lil' Sis, Aiden
Subject: Time.

Hello. I am writing this to mom, dad, lil' sis and my best friend ever in the whole wide world; Aiden. I know I rarely text you guys and I am awfully sorry. I just have never been good  with words and I hope you understand that. I also hope you understand that I love you with all my heart. So I am letting you guys; my most beloved people, know one little secret of mine. My time is almost up. Mom, dad, lil' sis, Aiden. I have eleven months left. I am dying. 

The doctor said that it's cancer and there's nothing that can be done. Not at this stage. He said that I am lucky enough to have eleven months, though. Some people only had two to three months, some even had three weeks. 

I am sorry but I think I need some time on my own. Please do not contact me after this. I will send you a message when I can, I promise. 

Love, Eric. 

Tears escaped from his tear ducts and rolled down his cheeks as his fingers dance on the screen, typing out the text message. Eric was never good at expressing his own feelings through words and that was the best he could do.

He was used to showing his concerns and gratitude through simple actions like the time when he walked his younger sister, Jasmine, to school every day since the day she lost her best friend to an accident. He didn't want his sister to feel lonely on the way to school as her best friend had always walked to school with her. Eric even tried to crack a few jokes here and there, even though they were awkward and sometimes lame.
Jasmine would laugh anyway because she knew that Eric was just trying to make her feel better, and she appreciated his effort.

He was the epitome of "actions speak louder than words".

---

June. 13th June. It had been exactly five months since that day when Eric found out that his time was running out. He spent the last few months cooped up in his apartment, never going out except for meals at the restaurant located on the first floor of the complex when he felt like it. His appetite had gradually decreased and a bigger void of emptiness started to appear as the days passed by.

He wanted to cut off all connections he had with other people if possible as he does not want anyone to see how thin his wrists were and how bony he looks. But he was lonely. He really was.

More time passed as the same routine continued. He woke up at 9:00 a.m, took a shower, threw on any random clothing that he had left, plopped onto the couch and stared at his cream coloured ceiling. At 1:00 p.m, Eric went for lunch downstairs, ignoring everyone else but the waitress. The rest of the day was spent with reading through the old text messages and looking at old pictures.

Memories. He would be one too, soon. A tear or two escaped his tear ducts at the thought. Eric was afraid of being forgotten. He was afraid of being the books on the shelf that no one reads, like the ones on his, collecting dust as time passed.

On some days Eric would start reading one of his unread novels, but gave up when he realised that he could not finish reading those stack of novels that he had bought throughout the years, and he never will. The thought that he would be forgotten like how he forgot about the books on his bookshelf that were unread scared him.

But time wasn't on his side. Time waits for no one, it never does, and it never will.

Sometimes he cries, often times he whimpers, and sobs and wails and weeps because everything hurts. And he cried more when he remembered that there was still July to December to go.

---

December. 13th December. As time passed by, Eric realised that he could no longer ignore the void of emptiness that was getting bigger and bigger. He needed his parents, little sister and his best friend. He needed the warmth and love.

Gathering his courage, he stepped out of his apartment after what felt like forever. His eyes were fixed on the ground as he waited for Aiden who agreed to pick him up and give him a ride to his parents' house after nagging about how long Eric hasn't sent any text messages to Aiden. Nevertheless, Eric was greeted with a welcoming smile as he stepped inside the car.

The ride with Aiden was comfortable, yet uncomfortable. It was comfortable as the familiar feeling of company was back, but uncomfortable because he saw the look in Aiden's eyes which spelled out pity, worry and sadness. This was the exact reason why he did not want to meet anyone. This was why.

Eric was welcomed by his parents and younger sister with a group hug that somehow was almost crushing his bony figure, but he did not mind. It would not matter as his time was up.

8:00 p.m and Eric was sitting at the dining table with his beloved ones, having dinner. His appetite had almost disappeared yet he tried to stuff as much as his shrunken stomach could handle. A worried look could be seen in his mother's tender eyes as Eric placed his spoon down after tenth spoonful.

Noticing this, he flashed his signature soft smile that never failed to make anyone else smile as well. His mother smiled back.

Eric swallowed back his tears because he knew that his mother was dead worried about his current state. He started to regret coming back, showing his vulnerable side to his beloved ones.The slightly sun-kissed skin tone of his was replaced with a pale, almost porcelain-like complexion. His collarbones were sticking out so much that he had to wear a sweater so that they would stay covered, yet they were still visible underneath the fabric. Those hazel brown eyes looked tired and sad; no matter how he tried to hide them by curving his lips upwards, smiling.

11:00 p.m and Eric was lying in bed with Aiden. It felt as if they were in grade school again, having a sleepover.

"Aiden?" Eric spoke softly, and was answered with a nod and a concerned look.

"Do you remember that time when I was depressed for a whole year in high school? You know, when I found out that my first love passed away. I was so devastated that I even denied the fact when you told me, and you gave me a piece of your mind which totally made me realise that I was being stupid for thinking that anyone would joke about anything like that." A small smile appeared on Eric's face as the words spill out of his mouth, reminiscing one of the most memorable thing that happened in his life.

Aiden chuckled slightly and nodded as he remembered how his best friend was dying inside at the loss of a loved one. "Yup. You were depressed for an entire year until you decided to move on the following year. Our dear Eric stayed strong for another year before he broke down again, remembering how much he missed her, am I right?"

"Oh, shut up," a small chuckle could be heard before Eric's smile turned upside down into a slight frown, "Thank you for being such a good best friend, and brother, Aiden. I never knew the meaning of a true friendship until I met you."

Aiden brought his hand up to ruffle Eric's hair and smiled. "I should be thankful for your family. You guys took me in when I had no one else to rely on. If it wasn't for you guys, I would probably grow up in the orphanage. And hey, you're my best-friend-turned-brother, I should be there for you no matter what."

11:40 p.m and Eric felt his eyes getting heavier as they got lost in their conversation, recalling their favourite memories from the past. 'I wonder if I will be anyone's favourite memory,' he thought.

"Aiden, if I don't wake up tomorrow morning, tell my family I love them. And remember that you are the best friend I have ever met and the best brother I have ever had." Eric choked on his tears when he felt Aiden's arms wrapped around his small figure in a brotherly hug.

"I guess time is not on my side."

Eric slowly fell asleep, and the next day, he did not wake up.

----

It was 15th December, two days after Eric's passing. Aiden was in his best friend's apartment, trying to clean up; not that was anything to clear up, everything was neat as if they were untouched. He wondered how Eric was living that there was barely any signs of him except for the dirty laundry in the washing machine, waiting to be washed.

His eyes landed on a group photo of the six of them; Eric, Aiden, Jasmine, their mom and dad. Everyone was smiling so happily, not knowing what will happen in the future. Aiden's mind was filled with questions as minutes passed, one of them being; is knowing how much time you have left better or living without a clue of how much digits are there on your life span clock?

Aiden wandered off into Eric's room, almost tripping over a book sprawled on the floor. He picked it up, a curious expression appeared as he saw the cover.

"Journal owned by: Eric"

He settles down on the edge of the well-made bed and flipped through the pages, surprised to see majority of the pages were blank.

"You are supposed to write in a journal, silly."

The corner of his lips curved into a sad smile as turned to the second last page.

Date: 12th December 

This is actually my first and probably last entry in this journal. I guess I wasted a good journal by not writing in it. It's not like I did not want to, I just.. you know. I was afraid if I write about what was going on, I would fall into deeper depression and it would hurt more, so I chose not to write. On the contrary, I still got depressed. 

If the estimation was correct, tomorrow will be the last day. Eleven months. Eleven. I hate that number. 

I am regretting lots of things now, to be honest. I regret pushing other people away. I regret quitting my job. I regret being cooped up in my house for the past few months when I should be living my last months doing things that I have always wanted to do. 

But then again, it gets tiring, you know? Those looks people give me when they see me. It's like they can see through me, that I'm dying. I see the pity in their eyes and I hate it. I don't like it when people worry about me when they can worry about other important things. 

Every morning when I wake up, I would cross off a day on my calendar. I told myself that I would not do it, but I couldn't help it. I was afraid if I don't count my days, I would live them without knowing how many I have left.

I still cannot decide if it is better to know how many time you have left or is it better to live without knowing? I cannot lose track of my days though, that I know. 

All these days alone made me realise how much I miss my family. And I miss.. her. I cannot believe that it has been almost a decade since that day. I miss her every day, but I miss her a lot today. Why? Because she appeared in my dream last night. I have had dreamless nights for a while but last night.. 

....

Mom and dad, I am sorry if I am not the best son you've ever had. I tried my best. And I know your hearts broke when you read that text message I sent almost eleven months ago. I am sorry if I made you upset by pushing you away. I just don't want you to worry about me too much. Mom and dad, you two have more time than I do, so I would like it if you live your lives to the fullest without much worries. I love you two so much, more than I have ever expressed. Thank you for raising me up for 27 years. I could never repay your kindness and love. Again, thank you, and I love you both. 

Lil sis. Jasmine. My adorable princess. I hope I wasn't too boring and cold as a brother. Growing up with you was fun as you were the exact opposite of me. I love how cheerful and expressive you are, it adds up to my passive personality, you know? Your big bro's time is almost up. I really hope you won't cry too much. Actually, I don't want you to cry at all. My heart would break into pieces if I see you crying because of me. I love you, lil' sis. Remember that. And please take care of yourself and our parents. Be safe, okay?

Aiden. Bro. Best friend. Frien-nemy. You are so many things in one. Thank you for always being there for us. You complete the family, in my opinion. Be a better big brother to Jasmine for me when I'm not here anymore, alright? Protect the family. And of course, I love you like a big fish- okay that was lame. Anyway, keep living life to the fullest!

I know all of you can be happy without me. You will, believe me. If you miss me, just look at the sky and remember how happy I am when I was when the sky was clear blue. Remember my smile and how much I love you all. I will miss you dearly too. 

Let's meet each other in... 100 years? Haha. I guess we'll meet in the afterlife. We'll reunite somehow, I am sure of that. 

Ps: I know that someone will find this journal sooner or later, so please let the four of them read this. I can't bring myself to say this to them. Not without breaking down and sobbing. Please.

Eric. 

10th October 2014.

Dear you,

Happy 18th birthday. I have a lot in my mind right now, so I'll try to sort them out and word my thoughts properly. Again I would like to wish you a happy 18th birthday. It must feel great to be 18, a step closer into adulthood. You would probably be in college by now, huh? I bet you'd be one of the best students in college. I know you'd do well because you did before, and I believe in you.

It was raining today. I was walking back home when it rained and I thought of you. Then the song "Betting Everything" by Royal Pirates played by chance and again, I thought of you. I got teary eyed, to be honest. The song really reminds me of us. Wanna know why?

My life was black and white, but you came and coloured in my everything.
And I don't wanna be blind, but without you there's nothing I can see.

It reminded me of what I wrote a year ago about us. I wrote that my life was like a blank canvas and you came in, colouring it in different colours, from vibrant ones to dark ones. It's true. You know, I always get teary eyed when I hear or sing this particular part because it makes me realise how much I miss you.

I arrived home and suddenly tears rolled down my cheeks and I couldn't do anything about it. It's your birthday and I can't wish you and hear you saying thanks. It's your birthday and you can't celebrate it with your sister who's your best friend ever in the whole wide world. I cried because I imagined how your sister would have felt to celebrate her birthday without her twin brother for the past 2 years.

I found a way to contact your sister, by the way, but I can't bring myself to. I'm afraid if she would ignore me, I'm afraid if I'll remind her of what it was back then which will make her sad. I don't want to make your favourite person sad. And honestly I'm afraid if I'll cry when I talk to her because she would probably remind me of you. You.

I listened to a song that I stumbled upon when I first heard of the news of you, When The Last Teardrop Falls. I remember my tears falling the moment I heard the lyrics of it;

It's so hard to lose the one you love
To finally have to say goodbye
You try to be strong but the pain keeps holding on
And all that you can do is cry

Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on
When the  fairy tale that you once knew is gone

When the last teardrop falls
I'll still be holding on to all our memories
And all of what used to be
When the last teardrop falls
I will stand tall and know that you're here with me in my heart
When the last teardrop falls

This is just part of the lyrics. The song perfectly expressed my feelings, it's funny how much of a coincidence it is. I am not sure when my last teardrop will fall though.

I remember how you used to say that if I cry, it means that I hate you. How could I ever hate you, the person who showed me that you don't have to be overly lovey-dovey towards the person you like to make them know how you feel towards them. You were a great friend and brother. I still remember your advices that you gave me.

Thank you.
It's the thing that I had no chance to properly say to you.
Thank you for talking to me.
Thank you for being my friend.
Thank you for not ignoring me when you knew that I liked you.
Thank you for giving me a chance.
Thank you for liking me back.
Thank you for being so nice to me.
Thank you for being like a brother to me.
Thank you for this wonderful life lesson.
Thank you for the colours on my life canvas which used to be blank.
Thank you for the memories.
Thank you for your words.
Thank you for your comfort.
Thank you for making me stop crying when I couldn't.
Thank you for being the reason for me to smile.
Thank you for everything.

And I know what you would say now; that I should thank Allah for intersecting our paths, even for a short period of time. Because if he didn't decide to, we wouldn't get that far and all of this wouldn't happen.

I have so many things to tell you. So many.

Hey, guess what?

I'm crying. A lot. As I'm typing this, my cheeks are wet with tears and I'm sobbing like the fool I am. It's not that I'm denying the fate, it's because I'm feeling so many things right now, it's overwhelming.

I'm happy when I think about our funny, sweet and awkward conversations. I regret for being too emotional; I should have considered your feelings more than mine. I am thankful for everything you did. I am glad that we met. But I can never brush of the sadness when reality hits me in the face; you're not here anymore.

People say that pain goes away as time passes. I guess 3 years is not enough? I honestly think that I would never forget you though. I might forget the little details as I grow older, but I will never forget the person who made me realise many things in life for the first time.

I think I can keep writing this for days and days if I was to write all of my thoughts for the past year.

Oh. 14th October is soon. 4 more days. Another memorable day for me. I hope it was for you too. I really hope so. Because it really is a special day for me, especially the me 3 years ago. I went through an old notebook of mine and saw a page where I doodled the countdown to that day. I was so excited and nervous because I didn't know what you would say. Things could get better, or worse. Thankfully it went well; with tears.

I had cake with my best friend today. We went out for lunch and I told her that it's a special day, she remembered after a while and said that we should get cake, because we did it before with another person's birthday- it was a singer but still. I ate a slice of blueberry mousse cake and it was delightful. I wish you were there too.

Sometimes I think that my friends don't understand how I feel. They keep saying that I should accept the fate. I never denied it. I accepted the fact that you're no longer here but the pain lingers. It's out of my control. You know, I stopped crying about you for a long time, I only started again recently. I guess I start to think more as I grow older. I wished that you could get to know how that feels too.

I never knew what your dream was though. I never got around to ask, and it's too late to do so right now.

You said that you didn't believe in true love anymore because of your ex girlfriend who dumped you in a harsh way. I don't know if I made a difference. I don't know if I made you happy when we were friends. I don't know if I only made you suffer. I don't know if I added another burden along with your sickness. I don't know.

And I never will.

It has been almost an hour since I started writing this and I'm wondering if I should keep going or not. I still have things to tell you.

Yes, I am delusional enough to imagine that you're reading this right now. I am imagining as if I'm writing a letter to you, someone who I have not met for 3 years.

So many things happened to me. I wonder if you're doing fine over there. Allah called you over early for a reason. He loves you more. I can see why though. You were a really great person from what I could judge. I'm nothing compared to you.

If I was given a chance to say something to you, just one thing; I would take too long to choose one. Because I have too many, as you can see.

I am sorry I broke my promise to not cry. I swear I don't hate you. I never did, I am not hating you and I will never hate you. I have no reason to.

On a slightly positive note, I will try my best in the upcoming exam and I will live my life to the fullest. I will go to university and get a job. I might probably get married when time comes and build a family. I will live my life, with the thought of you who only had 15 years. I am thankful for every breath I take, every second, every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month and every year that passes. I know I am not a perfect person and I stray from the path every now and then, but I will try.

I think I should finish it right here. I might write "to you" again soon.

Again, happy 18th birthday. May you rest in peace and may you be in Allah's embrace and kindness.

Sincerely,

Me.